In a paragraph of not more than 100 words, sum up the various things a mother of small children can do (according to the writer) in order not to be trapped and oppressed by her family.
Dilemma of the working mother
Living with children is one of the few situations where virtue is
rewarded. Though it sounds intolerably priggish to say so, parents who think
first what’s best for the children really do have an easier, more
comfortable life than those who do what they like and make the children fit
in.
The key decision is: should both parents go out to work? Dr Spock takes
the standard line: if a mother realises how vital her care is to a young baby
‘it may make it easier for her to decide that the extra money she might
earn, or the satisfaction she might receive from an outside job, is not so
important after all’.
The evidence is, as usual, more confused. All
research agrees on consistent loving care and a high level of stimulation as
essential ingredients in optimal child development. But there’s increasing
doubt that the 24 hours a day, seven days a week mum is the best way to provide
it.
Two recent, as yet unpublished, London studies have quite independently
come up with the same result: 40 per cent of mothers who stay at home with
children under five are clinically depressed, although the depression is not
necessarily caused by staying at home. Dr Michael Rutter, of the Maudsley
Hospital, and Dr G. Stewart Prince, among others, have shown that depressed
mothers produce depressed, neurotic and backward children. There are many other
mothers who, without being depressed, are oppressed by the unending
repetitive task of caring for a young baby, or the unceasing chatter of a
toddler, and so get less pleasure from their children than they might.
Extra
money is not to be despised. It buys automatic washers, tumble driers,
dish-washers to make life easier and give more real attention-time to the
children. It buys time off excursions, holidays. It may make the difference
between a town flat and a house with a garden, a better environment for
bringing up children.
For professional women there is another difficulty. To
give up or even work part-time, probably means climbing painfully back on to
the bottom rung of the ladder at 35 or 40 in galling subordination to younger
and perhaps less able men.
Assuming the still-normal situation - mother at
home - there are ways to guard against the imprisoned feeling. Any arrangement
will do as long as it’s regular and doesn’t involve renegotiation
every time.
For instance, once a week, a completely free day and evening
during which the mother is relieved of all responsibility. She can visit
friends, or go to a museum, spend all morning buying a pair of shoes and
needn’t come back until she feels like it. The only rule is she must go
out, not hang around catching up on household jobs. It’s best of all if
combined with a regular night out for parents together. You can employ another
woman to stand in for the day, set up a reciprocal arrangement with another
family, or make it a Saturday when Father can take over - but that’s less
good.
The split Saturday works well for some families. Father has morning
off, Mother afternoon, to do what they like unencumbered by children. Much
nicer for them, too, than the family shopping expedition, which soon makes
small children tired and fractious.
Child-free weekends every few months are
very restorative, and well worth the money. Family exchanges are fun for older
children. Advertise if you don’t know a suitable family, but get well
acquainted before you go off.
A word of caution: work which can be done at
home is superficially attractive - Rhona and Robert Rapport’s book
Dual-Career Families describes several households coping with this
situation. But there is good evidence that withdrawal of attention is more
harmful to children than physical absence - which is one reason why the
switch-off phenomenon associated with maternal depression is so
damaging.
Anyone with a toddler knows how he will play happily while you
cook, wash up or make beds, but no sooner do you sit down with a book, pick up
a complicated piece of knitting or take out your violin than he becomes
demanding and tiresome. In our house ‘Mum's writing an article’ is a
signal for unusual gloom, whereas ‘Mum’s off for the weekend’ is
excellent news. (But it’s not a good idea to leave a child for very long
between the ages of 9 months and 2.)
(Article in The Observer Magazine)
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